Mom trying to teach son a lesson angry that school gave him lunch
February 24th, 2010 by TCPalm.comBy Eve Samples
The day started out like most for Laura Cancio and her family.
She readied her children for school, repeatedly reminding her fourth-grade son to assemble his lunch.
The food was laid out. All he had to do was put it in his bag. But, anxious to play video games during the last few minutes before the family hit the road, the boy forgot.
Cancio realized her son’s mistake only after she dropped him off at SeaWind Elementary in Hobe Sound.
Hoping to teach him a lesson about responsibility, she decided to let him go without food until he got home at 2:30 p.m.
He had eaten a large breakfast of cereal, fruit and juice. It didn’t seem like a big deal. She sent an e-mail to her son’s teacher:
“Everett forgot to pack his lunch even after several prompts to do so. Please do not provide him with any food. Thank you.”
She got a polite reply, logged off the computer and thought that was that.
But Everett’s teacher forwarded the message to Principal Lawrence Green, who had a different take.
Green responded in an e-mail:
“Mrs. Cancio, although I understand that Everett needs to be more responsible and you would like to teach him this skill, we cannot deny any child a lunch. This would be against the law. We can get him a school lunch and you can reimburse us at a later date.”
When Everett got home, he told his mother the cafeteria gave him a cheese sandwich. He also said a school official told him that what his mom proposed to do was illegal.
Cancio felt undermined.
To her, it boiled down to this question:
“Do I not have the right to make these physical decisions for my child?”
Her encounter illustrates the delicate balance between parental rights and school responsibility. When our children spend so much of their day at school, how far should the school go to obey a parent’s wishes?
Despite Green’s e-mail to Cancio, there is no law or Martin County School District policy that dictates whether a school should feed a child in this situation. Green later backed off the claim that not feeding Everett would be illegal.
“It boils down to the administrator, the principal, doing what he thinks is in the best interest of the student,” district spokeswoman Cathy Brennan said.
Green told me he thought he was doing what was best for Everett on that day in December.
“It was my feeling that we needed to feed the child. Research has shown that a child that is nourished is going to perform better,” he said.
Cancio declined to pay for the lunch because she did not request it, so the school covered the cost. Green has never had a parent complain about giving a student a free lunch. In fact, he’s received thank you notes for such gestures in the past.
But it still upsets Cancio. Green defied her, as she sees it.
Nobody has ever died from missing one meal, she said. Plus, her son is a picky eater who has been known to throw his lunch out. She thought not having lunch was a natural consequence for forgetting it that morning.
“I made my wishes known, and he disregarded that,” she said. She asked Green for a written apology but has never received one.
Now, let’s take this debate a couple steps further.
What if a parent was trying to teach her child about punctuality, and she told the school not to let the student into class if he showed up late? Brennan raised this rhetorical question to me.
“Where would you draw the line?” she asked.
Green made a similar comparison. What if a parent wanted his or her child to stand in the corner all day? Should the school comply?
There’s one key difference between those examples and Cancio’s request, as I see it. Skipping lunch would not directly interfere with a student’s ability to attend class. Standing in a corner or being shut out of school clearly would.
As a parent, I don’t think I would have made the same decision Cancio did, at least not for an elementary-age child.
Still, I respect her right to make such a call — so long as it doesn’t violate any laws or school policies.
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February 24th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
From the picture I saw of the Mother - looks like she could skip a few hundred lunches herself
February 24th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
I think the child might have learned a much more valuable lesson if he lost his video games for a few days.
February 24th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
What? Teach a kid that there are consequences to his actions (or lack thereof)??? Why on earth would any mother want to do THAT? Doesn’t she know that kids are supposed to be waited on hand and foot, spoiled with whatever they want and never be punished or taught values or life lessons?
Seriously, I hope this mother has 10 kids (unlike the drains on society that usually tend to) and she teaches (or attempts to) them that in life, there are consequences, and not everyone is a “victim” but sometimes people bring bad things like no lunch upon themselves because they’re irresponsible. And for the bonehead who’s going to reply to this that starving a kid over lunch is child abuse, ask a Hatian kid who just ate for the first time this week thanks to U.S. aid how abusive it is. I think her son would have lived until supper…
February 24th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
HOW IS THIS NEWSWORTHY?
Who the f*** cares?
… No wonder newspapers are going under.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I think the school was completely right in providing the student a sandwich. It is not the schools job to punish the students for the parents. What if 25 different parents decided to send punishment instructions to the teacher?
I think the bigger issue is the video game before school. If her son can’t manage the responsibility of getting his lunch together then don’t reward him with letting him play video games. I think the proper punishment would be to withhold the video game rather than food.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
I’m with Rianna, the consequence should fit the action involved. His video game should have been taken away for a period of time, not food deprived. It seems that he was too consumed in his game at the time, not paying attention to what his mother was requesting of him. The child needs to learn about “balance”.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
The main problem is that why a parent would let their child play video games before school, especially when the child has to put his lunch together. The real punishment should be to take away the video games for a certain amount of time.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Here is another flip side, the mother email’s her wises that the child not eat lunch. Well the school then has to take her word that she will feed him dinner later that night. If a mother feels it is ok to force their child to skip one meal, how is the school to distinguish that this would be just one isolated incident? I feel the school acted properly, since with holding meals could be seen as a form of abuse. I seriously have to wonder what other “creative” forms of punishment this lady comes up with. I agree with the posters above, how about taking the video games away instead of trying to pass the buck onto the school and not feeding the kid. Sheesh!
February 24th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
This is why the we need way more abortions and the definition of late term should be 18 years old.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
I’m with Bupkus–the child was not going to DIE due to missing one meal. As a mom and teacher I see too many parents not holding their children responsible for their behavior. Yes, the video game should be taken away–ALSO–not having something to eat for lunch would have shown the child that there are delayed consequences to making bad choices, even if the choice was made early in the morning.
Take away the video game only, and all he learns is that he can’t play. Take away the game AND he doesn’t eat will make him think twice about not packing his lunch.
My bigger issue with this story is that the administrator TOLD the CHILD that what his mom was doing was ILLEGAL!! This undermined the mother’s authority in the eyes of the child. Administration should not undermine the parent to a child. And in this case, the ‘against the law’ was not true–making it even worse.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
I remember not having anything to eat until breakfast when I decided not to eat what my mother cooked for dinner. Guess what, I didn’t starve but I did learn that if I didn’t want to be hungry, I should eat what my mom cooked. Very simple way to teach consequences to a child. Parents have no rights these days!
February 24th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
This woman needs to get real:
1) Why would you allow your child the over stimulation of a video game before school. He needs to be able to concentrate not try to figure out what he did that Mario didn’t win.
2) Children learn better, according to studies when properly nourished. This child was not malnourished but why put him and school through him being distracted and not learning that day.
3) Witrh my son, if one were to take food away from him- okay big deal. Take away a video and wow, does mom have his attention.
Be a parent, teach your child responsiblity and do not have the school enforce your decision to keep food away from your child. My son knows that at school he follows the school rules- they are not always the same as mine.
Mom, take your child out of school and try to home school him if you are so upset- but if your idea of parenting is video games before school, well you might want to re think that.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Crazy, nasty B. Denying lunch to a child is abuse. Her children should be taken away.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
wait til she is 90 and he makes her lunch then what
February 24th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
pick your “learn a lesson” battles lady. (And some of you other micro managing people.)
some times we forget the lunches sometimes our kids forget them in the car big friking deal.
Poor kid.
I could see the principal after the e-mail from the mom.
Probaly like Mr.Lumberg from the movie “Office Space”.
“Yeaaa,we’re gonna have to feed the child. Yeaaa”
Again-poor kid.
February 24th, 2010 at 2:07 pm
could you imagine what its like living with this nasty lady
February 24th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
the kid probably left his lunch on purpose cause a cheese sandwich was probably better than whatever “mom” packed.
kid could be way smarter than we think!!
February 24th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
The kids a picky eater and has thrown lunch away before according to the Mom, so why does she think he would care if he ate? He obviously cares about video games so that’s what should’ve been taken away for the week then taken away indefinitely unless and until everything is done in the morning that needs to be done and if he has time left b4 leaving only then does he play or watch tv whatever. It’s a Mom’s responsibility to notice that he hadn’t done what she asked and TAKE the game at that moment until he did what she asked the FIRST time. My 5 yr old knows no TV, no video games, nothing until she is ready to leave which includes brush teeth, get dressed(including shoes), hair brushed, light & TV off in bedroom and breakfast finished before any distractions are allowed. It’s a good habit for her now. My 13 yr old daughter has the same rules but for her computer use, except homework, and cell phone are taken away Sunday at 6pm until Fri after homework if any are done because they are such distractions and it’s hard enough to keep her focused. As for the principal, even though I agree he still should’ve given the child lunch he handled it poorly. He should’ve sent the Mom or had the teacher send the Mom an email that he regrets and apologizes the school couldn’t honor her request because he didn’t feel comfortable not providing a child lunch and respectfully ask she use another form of discipline. Lying to the child that it is illegal was STUPID and immature talking to a child about an adult issue! I’m not perfect and have considered skipping a meal as a punishment and didn’t feel comfortable with it since there are so many other options that would be more effective. This Mom in question has every right to be upset because of how the school handled it but not because they fed her child lunch since she said he was picky & has been know to throw his lunch away so why would he care if they didn’t give him lunch. She needed to give this child a reason to remember to do it.
February 24th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
I completely agree with this mother but teachers cant enforce every students parents wishes. Take away his video game. I’m sure the people making negative comments dont have any children of their own or have ones that are running wild. Consequences for your actions is Basic Child Rearing 101.
February 24th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
why did the mother feel that she needed to put the school in the middle of what was a family issue?
the school did what it was supposed to do
now the mom needs to step up and ground the kid from video games, since that was more important then his own lunch.
February 24th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
What would happen if her son came home and sayed, “mom my teacher did not let me eat lunch today.” me and the lawers here we come.
February 24th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
ddd, you stole my thunder. Had the school NOT given her son lunch we would be reading about the mother suing the school district because they didn’t feed her son after he had forgotten his packed lunch.
February 24th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
the mother needs to be check out by DCF
February 24th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Denying him his lunch while in school is ludicrous. She could punish him another way. Everybody makes mistakes. I think she should be checked out by DCF too!
February 24th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
Mom needs some therapy.
It’s not the schools place to discipline your kids for things that happen at your home and not at school.
I’d hate to see what would happen if she sent the kid to the store to buy toilet paper and he didn’t get it.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Why is a 4th grader making his own lunch?? What ever happened to parenting? Why is this mother not doing HER job by providing food to her child? Parenting classes should be mandatory before one is allowed to leave the hospital with one’s child.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
I am sure the real story is the mom ate the last of the food and was just making an excuse to starve this poor little boy or she was hoping they didn’t feed him so she could call Who Can I Sue . com and get herself paid.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Let’s face it guys. She should have popped him on his butt for not listening to her. Maybe I’m crazy but Tv & games are not allowed in my house before school. It’s not like we’d have time anyway after getting ready & feeding & walking dogs. My mom NEVER told me anything 4 or 5 times!!!
February 24th, 2010 at 3:20 pm
This is not the school’s job. She needs to keep her punishment separate from the school. The kid did not violate any school policy, and they do not need to be part of any such thing. I know what she can do with her demand for an “apology”.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
This mother has some nerve expecting the school to enforce her punishment - if you don’t want him to eat lunch, do it on the weekend when YOU are around to enforce. Bad mom!
February 24th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Let’s face it guys, she should have popped him on his butt for not listening to her in the first place. Maybe I’m old fashioned but TV & video games are not allowed at my house in the morning. It’s not like my kids would have time anyway after getting themselves ready & feeding & walking the dogs etc… The real problem is the child’s disobedience & his mom’s lack of responsibility. My mother NEVER had to tell me anything 4 or 5 times!!
February 24th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Good thing he did not live in DC last month, Thousands of children went hungrey becuase shool was closed!
February 24th, 2010 at 6:52 pm
[...] should have a cafeteria anyway. Here’s the only link I could find on the first page of google. Mom trying to teach son a lesson angry that school gave him lunch | Treasure Coast Talk [...]
February 26th, 2010 at 10:27 am
Personally, I think Mom was right in what she did. Punishment should fit the crime - don’t take lunch, don’t eat. Natural consequence. I think the school should have supported her wishes on this unless it truly is against the law to do so.
March 17th, 2010 at 9:23 am
I had this same issue with my son and his school. My son constantly forgot his lunch not because of videos games. There have been however a wide variety of other distractions. The sports section of the newspaper was one for a while. My wife regularly rescued my son by delivering his lunch to the school when he forgot. Lunch at school is around 12:00pm but varies by grade and the kids are home before 3pm.
My wife doesn’t travel much but while she was away I was called by the school to let me know Tim forgot his lunch. My response was “his lunch is on the counter, he can eat it when he gets home”. The school fed him a nice lunch and sent home a bill. I call the principal to express my concern and was told the school district had a policy… one they were not able to produce. Since I could not get satisfaction from the school I ended up telling my son the consequences of forgetting his lunch…. he doesn’t forget it very often anymore…. but he does wait until he gets home if he does.
My issue with the people concerned about this mother’s approach to this problem is the same one I have with the coddling our society provides at every turn. We are raising children who don’t understand responsibility and consequence. Her child was helped multiple time with multiple reminders. Probably too many. The consequence didn’t come until after he ignored them all.
By the way, I didn’t pay the cafeteria bill either. The amount was small but the principle was big.